Shitty Advice
Guest Advice: How to Make Your Online Experience Enjoyable in Borderlands 2

by Kenshiro88

So, how much do you love Borderlands 2? Probably a lot since you are reading this. But, how much do you love loot? Probably not that much, because I already know I love it more than anyone else playing the game. And I only speak in facts, so trust me.

Ok, here you are ready to play Borderlands 2 online (so dumb there’s no single player mode). First thing you should do is find someone that allows all players to join their game. This means they are begging to give up the loot. Wait until they sign on, then jump into their game and immediately start hoarding EVERYTHING. As long as you do it consistently and to the same person, it’s fair right? What’s worse than someone that inconsistently shares things? This world needs decision makers and leaders, not communists. This is Pandora, not Pand-Asia.

 Now, what should you do if they start complaining about your capitalistic playstyle? Simply ignore any hater comments, demonstrate your commitment to the task at hand, and remain serious. This is not a game. With jokes. And then as payback, steal the loot because you snooze you lose. Another good tactic is to choose the healer, never revive, and steal the loot when they are down. Can’t let those easy pickins’ go to waste! By this time you should be fully enjoying yourself and have simultaneously made an even closer friend. I bet all those doctors that say we need face-to-face social contact are kicking themselves now!

Have fun playing… I mean, winning, because it’s a petty and selfish world out there filled with meek online players that don’t know the meaning of ‘having a good time.’ It’s a shame though that Borderlands 2 only has one mode, Co-opetition Lootfest, because sometimes I would really just like to play by myself.

Shona:
Continue what you are doing. Wallpaper is good for your skin, it gives you a lovely glow.

Christine:
As a certified dermatologist, I can confirm that wallpaper can definitely give you a healthy glow, and it also helps to relieve pain from bites, sunburns, and other mild skin irritations! Just try not to eat too much, all you need is normally 1 meter per day.

Shona:

Continue what you are doing. Wallpaper is good for your skin, it gives you a lovely glow.

Christine:

As a certified dermatologist, I can confirm that wallpaper can definitely give you a healthy glow, and it also helps to relieve pain from bites, sunburns, and other mild skin irritations! Just try not to eat too much, all you need is normally 1 meter per day.

Guest Advice: How To Get Girls On Twitter (or How To Not Be A Douchebag)

by Kenshiro88

Something that everyone wants to do is get girls. Girls are fun and great companions, but most importantly, love to play hard to get when you want them the most. To be successful at scoring the best ones, you have to start at the source of girls: the Internet. Your online persona (be it Twitter, Facebook, videogame console username, etc.) should probably be named after some sort of powerful figure from history with a tough sounding nickname. Tough is hot. 

Genghis “The Mighty” Khan    


“Vlad the Impaler”

Make sure you only follow hot girls. Because following dudes is NOT cool. Definitely reply to their tweets, often, with opinionated and subtle chauvinist remarks because initiating intelligent conversations is pretty much for losers. I mean, why engage in a pointless debate when your intellect is clearly superior to theirs? After about 3 or 4 months of tweeting @ them, that is considered sufficient enough to let them know that you are totally digging their mind and they will melt from the flattery of you asking them out. Several times. This works EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. So feel free to use it often, and don’t worry about rejection. It can’t happen, because you aren’t one of those douchebags!

You sit down and wait your turn!
You see, we’re very tumblr famous here and so we get about 2.3 million questions per day, we can’t get to all of these very quickly as all of us who run this blog have our own seperate tumblr famous blogs to run too.
You wouldn’t understand, you don’t have enough followers.

You sit down and wait your turn!

You see, we’re very tumblr famous here and so we get about 2.3 million questions per day, we can’t get to all of these very quickly as all of us who run this blog have our own seperate tumblr famous blogs to run too.

You wouldn’t understand, you don’t have enough followers.

We’ve all got different fetishes, that’s totally fine!
If you think that this is seductive, that’s cool! Embrace it! Maybe buy a horse head mask yourself if you want a change!

We’ve all got different fetishes, that’s totally fine!

If you think that this is seductive, that’s cool! Embrace it! Maybe buy a horse head mask yourself if you want a change!

Katie:
You should be enraged. How DARE some boy/girl/alien/werewolf not see you as more than a friend! That is down right outrageous. The nerve! What you need to do is make a list of good qualities. They don’t have to be about yourself, but shh, your future love interest won’t know that. 
Examples: Artist, writer, Tumblr famous blogger, hilarious, charming, ex-robot, makes a mean grilled cheese sandwich, etc.


Look at this smug, talented bitch playing the flute.

Then just creepily wait outside this person’s house or place of work and deliver it to them in person. I think it adds a more personal touch rather than emailing, texting, or calling. But you should do those three options too just in case. You can never be too ambitious when trying to dodge the friend zone! 
If for some reason they cannot unsee you as JUST a friend, then it’s time to move on. I mean, you should literally move and find someone else to latch onto because this is the best way of coping.
Disclaimer: Shitty Advice is not responsible for mishaps that occur if the love interest asks you to demonstrate an ability you claim to have, but considering you probably lied about most of them, you have no real skills in accomplishing it.
Kasey:
In life, you begin to notice individuals have specific talents that set them apart from others. For example, my cousin is an amazing artist and my brother is a track star. Other people have different talents that don’t include art or athletics, such as being a friend. You may not realize it, but your calling in life, YOUR talent, is being a friend. That’s your job. That is your destiny.



There, there. Don’t be sad. Some day someone will recognize how good you are at your job and give you the attention you deserve.

Katie:

You should be enraged. How DARE some boy/girl/alien/werewolf not see you as more than a friend! That is down right outrageous. The nerve! What you need to do is make a list of good qualities. They don’t have to be about yourself, but shh, your future love interest won’t know that. 

Examples: Artist, writer, Tumblr famous blogger, hilarious, charming, ex-robot, makes a mean grilled cheese sandwich, etc.

Look at this smug, talented bitch playing the flute.

Then just creepily wait outside this person’s house or place of work and deliver it to them in person. I think it adds a more personal touch rather than emailing, texting, or calling. But you should do those three options too just in case. You can never be too ambitious when trying to dodge the friend zone! 

If for some reason they cannot unsee you as JUST a friend, then it’s time to move on. I mean, you should literally move and find someone else to latch onto because this is the best way of coping.

Disclaimer: Shitty Advice is not responsible for mishaps that occur if the love interest asks you to demonstrate an ability you claim to have, but considering you probably lied about most of them, you have no real skills in accomplishing it.


Kasey:

In life, you begin to notice individuals have specific talents that set them apart from others. For example, my cousin is an amazing artist and my brother is a track star. Other people have different talents that don’t include art or athletics, such as being a friend. You may not realize it, but your calling in life, YOUR talent, is being a friend. That’s your job. That is your destiny.

There, there. Don’t be sad. Some day someone will recognize how good you are at your job and give you the attention you deserve.

Christine:
Gurl, embrace your promiscuity! Those calling you a sexual predator aren’t trying to say it in a rude way or make fun of you, don’t worry! You know how in the animal kingdom, large wild cats are often referred to as predators? Well you’re the same way! You’re not a small little mole frumping around on the forest floor, no! You’re those fierce, feisty, fabulous tigers, jaguars, and leopards prancing and pouncing along the branches! Go get ‘em tiger!

Christine:

Gurl, embrace your promiscuity! Those calling you a sexual predator aren’t trying to say it in a rude way or make fun of you, don’t worry! You know how in the animal kingdom, large wild cats are often referred to as predators? Well you’re the same way! You’re not a small little mole frumping around on the forest floor, no! You’re those fierce, feisty, fabulous tigers, jaguars, and leopards prancing and pouncing along the branches! Go get ‘em tiger!

Kasey:
As Shitty Advice is run by a group of people, each person has their own way of giving 100% true advice. When I go about answering the questions submitted to us, I outline the problem and look for possible solutions. Most people follow a certain methodology, such as being honest, avoiding judgment and bias, and offering long-time support. However, I like to be realistic; giving cold, hard facts. I don’t put myself in the anon’s shoes nor do I think about the consequences of my advice. I don’t know you people!!!



Katie:
I definitely agree with Kasey. I have no problem telling people what they don’t want to hear. I mean, this isn’t called “Sugar Coated Advice”, is it? 
But if I truly cannot figure out how to go about solving someone else’s problem, I call a meeting and let my fellow hamsters figure it out for me. Their advice is usually 97.84% accurate, which is a LOT higher than squirrels or rabbits. But with any method, there is a chance that it could go wrong, so if I ever fail anyone on this blog, just know that it was the hamsters’ fault.
Christine:
I like to keep the advice short and simple. I also find it helpful to use my own expertise whenever I can and use my experiences to help as well. Pictures are always good too!

Kasey:

As Shitty Advice is run by a group of people, each person has their own way of giving 100% true advice. When I go about answering the questions submitted to us, I outline the problem and look for possible solutions. Most people follow a certain methodology, such as being honest, avoiding judgment and bias, and offering long-time support. However, I like to be realistic; giving cold, hard facts. I don’t put myself in the anon’s shoes nor do I think about the consequences of my advice. I don’t know you people!!!

Katie:

I definitely agree with Kasey. I have no problem telling people what they don’t want to hear. I mean, this isn’t called “Sugar Coated Advice”, is it? 

But if I truly cannot figure out how to go about solving someone else’s problem, I call a meeting and let my fellow hamsters figure it out for me. Their advice is usually 97.84% accurate, which is a LOT higher than squirrels or rabbits. But with any method, there is a chance that it could go wrong, so if I ever fail anyone on this blog, just know that it was the hamsters’ fault.

Christine:

I like to keep the advice short and simple. I also find it helpful to use my own expertise whenever I can and use my experiences to help as well. Pictures are always good too!

Kasey:
Do you believe in the supernatural? Aliens? If you don’t, what I’m going to say may seem OUT OF THIS WORLD. 
Every time you see the number 24, the reason it elicits a response where you need to urinate is due to aliens CONDITIONING you for that response! While asleep, aliens teleported into your room, shoved your unconscious body into a bag, and teleported you back to their ship where the aliens performed experiments. But “WHY??” you may ask. You see, aliens HATE the show “24.”


Remember that one time when the hot chick turned out to be a TERRORIST??! Yeah, fuck that. That pissed off aliens so much.

Jack Bauer is sexy. TOO sexy. He’s a sexy man who takes down terrorists and in a day’s work. There’s no way someone can do that much shit in only 24 hours. Also, anyone remember when this guy was a vampire? 


Jack Bauer definitely ate some guy’s neck in an episode.

So, you’re telling me that this guy can get dressed/ready, tortured, escape, hotwire a car, find more terrorists, torture more terrorists, and make some phone calls along the way ALL IN 24 HOURS?? 
Wait—did you want advice?   

Kasey:

Do you believe in the supernatural? Aliens? If you don’t, what I’m going to say may seem OUT OF THIS WORLD. 

Every time you see the number 24, the reason it elicits a response where you need to urinate is due to aliens CONDITIONING you for that response! While asleep, aliens teleported into your room, shoved your unconscious body into a bag, and teleported you back to their ship where the aliens performed experiments. But “WHY??” you may ask. You see, aliens HATE the show “24.”

Remember that one time when the hot chick turned out to be a TERRORIST??! Yeah, fuck that. That pissed off aliens so much.

Jack Bauer is sexy. TOO sexy. He’s a sexy man who takes down terrorists and in a day’s work. There’s no way someone can do that much shit in only 24 hours. Also, anyone remember when this guy was a vampire? 

Jack Bauer definitely ate some guy’s neck in an episode.

So, you’re telling me that this guy can get dressed/ready, tortured, escape, hotwire a car, find more terrorists, torture more terrorists, and make some phone calls along the way ALL IN 24 HOURS?? 

Wait—did you want advice?

   

Guest Advice: Constipation

by urdnotbonkers

It seems you’re looking for some shitty advice. Probably because you’re constipated, but no worries friend, you’ve come to the right place.

See, when you’re constipated, it’s usually because you’re clogged up in the plumbing, to be frank. Pills and laxatives just won’t do the trick, because they’re attacking the problem from the wrong side. It will never reach the clog, because the fudge factory’s produce will interfere with your laxative’s course. You need to go in the backdoor, and poke around until you find the clogged section. Once you do, though, be sure to have a toilet nearby and ready, in case you find the clog, and your Chocolate Wonderfall† needs a fountain to contain itself.

† copyright Golden Corral

Once your drain is unclogged, you’ll be painting the walls of your toilet with a beautiful brown shower in no time. Now that’s what I call, “Shitty Advice”.